John Cena Is A Robot

[Editor's Note: This is my first ever column. This was originally posted by Tony Kegger on his blog after I sent him an e-mail and he decided to use it.]

      John Cena is a robot. I know, I know, some of you are thinking that this sounds like a fantasy story merged with a wrestling role-play game. But hear me out, I actually have some evidence to back me up. If anyone has the money to invest in robot wrestler technology, it’s Vince McMahon.

1. His Appearance: John Cena is built exactly as a Vince McMahon dream of a superstar: large chiseled muscles, good guy American looks, and nice clean hair-cut. I know that we have seen others with bits and pieces of Vince’s ideal image, but never before have we seen someone who fit this role as perfectly as John Cena does. His character is designed to have no discernible traits other than bright clothing. This allows the WWE marketing machine to just slap a new color on him and sell millions of new T-shirts every few months.

2. His Move Set: As we all know, Cena has a very limited move set consisting of his “five moves of doom” and possibly 2 or 3 more that he uses on occasion. Without the need for a varied offense, it allows Cena to be cheaper to program. This fits in with the idea that his “memory” is only able to hold so much information at any given time. And that brings us to number 3…

3. His Limited Promo Skills: Coming off of the idea of memory, we come to his promo skills. As some of you may have noticed, Cena seems to be on repeat when he speaks. Everything that is said is recycled in stages. Chasing the title, reprogrammed; wins the title, reprogrammed; loses the title, reprogrammed and repeat. Don’t believe it? Just go check out any of his promos. They are interchangeable.

4. Lack of Meaningful Injury: Anyone remember Cena’s triumphant return at the 2008 Royal Rumble? He was sidelined with an “injury” that was supposed to sideline him for twice the amount of time he was actually gone. Other than that one injury, can we think of any other legit injury? The only other that comes to mind is the worked angle he did where Brock Lesnar “broke” his leg.

5. His Original Gimmick: When Cena in developmental his name was “The Prototype”. For those that don’t know, prototype means “A first or preliminary model of something, esp. a machine, from which other forms are developed or copied.” The gimmick he carried at that point was…you guessed it, a freaking robot.

These are my thoughts on John Cena. This article is meant entirely as a joke, although it’s funny how all of this ties together. Let me know what you think about the possibility of Cena as a robot wrestler.